I drive to the bar, watching the streetlights pass by, feeling like I’m driving through the mouth of some great, technological creature and all the evenly spaced lights are teeth waiting to crash down and crush my clean, efficient little imported car. The people I pass are headed home, headed in, but I’m headed out with half a tank of gas and a pocketful of useless observations. At stoplights, waiting for the signal to go like stressed out greyhounds, we look over at each other and the difference is almost tangible. It hangs between us like an invisible divider and I have my boot over the gas pedal, my leg straining in the air, waiting to let off the brake with my other foot and jam that fucker through the floor. Sometimes it feels like I am the only one not headed to, but always headed away. In the parking lot, everyone’s getting high but me, out on the fringe. I can never bring myself to do it, with them, because I see the term itself as the lie inherent in their lives. ‘Getting. I don’t pull away, as is my usual custom. Instead I lay awkwardly on top of her, supporting most of my weight by leaning on my elbow. ‘Sam?’ She almost whispers. ‘Shawna?’ I tease, as I lift up to smile down at her. ‘I need to get up.’ My smile falls, as I push off of the bed to stand up. I study her face as I back up to let her pass. Shawna is alternately looking at me, then the floor and then my bedroom door. ‘Your bathroom?’ ‘Door’s open.’ Shawna swoops down to get her clothes as she passes them. I watch her pale ass wiggle out of my room and plop down on my bed, sitting and staring at the door she just passed through. I hear water running, and I want to go into the bathroom and drag her back by her short hairs. But I don’t want to fuck up more than I must have, so I practice what I want to say to her while I wait. I hear the water stop and when my heart starts pounding, I realize that I need to see her face again. I’ve had a rough past few weeks, true, but Shawna has a way of.
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